Alrighty … *takes a really really deep breathe* here we go.
(I’m going to share my whole story with you and lay all my emotions on the line. So this may seem a bit long, but I kept it pretty short)
I honestly have no idea where to begin, and this has taken me weeks to even give myself enough courage to sit down and write about it. But also, took two years to make me realize I need to talk about it. Because keeping something inside that has been traumatizing to your life, is not healthy for you, and will literally tear you apart.
Trying to type this out makes my hands sweat so much. I’m terrified. Why? Because today we live in a world where every little thing is watched, judged, and internalized by everybody because of this thing called social media. I also didn’t want to let my pride/guard down, have others pity me or show others a weakness when everyone seems to be doing so perfect. So, getting myself to this far is a real turning point for me.
I was in a physically and mentally abusive relationship.
(some hard photos are included some people may not like to see. Included at end)
I want to be as happy as I was before this incident and not be scared of my story. I don’t want to feel like I have deserved what happened to me anymore. I want to hopefully help someone else with my story as well, if possible.
Why am I sharing this?
The idea came to me to share this story while I was taking a blogging course a month or so ago. BE VULNERABLE, they taught in the lesson. They said to write down the high and low points in your life. Then with that list share some stories so people can relate to you, get to know you, and feel more comfortable around you because you’re a REAL person. I emphasize on real because today I think that everyone see’s everyone else lives in these lavish lifestyles (I am guilty to this) but it doesn’t feel all that real because it’s only the good after good. They never share their insecurities and it really is hard to relate to a life like that.
Let’s face it, life is just not like a straight arrow going up! Its like a wave going up and down, up and down, sometimes higher than usual and sometimes lower than usual. Sometimes there’s a calm stretch, but it’s not long until a little roadblock or good thing pops back up. 🙂 That doesn’t mean life is going to be awful. Just surf the wave and look at the positives, knowing that with each downfall there will always be another wave to catch.
Back to the story… sorry. My motivational side to me is kicking in hah.
So, I wrote this list about all the high and low times in my life. One major low point in my life though, kept sticking out in my head. Probably because I’ve never felt fully moved on or healed from it. And that was when I got abused. It wasn’t until later with a very well trusted family friend that she figured out I had been mentally abused as well, by this person as well for quite some time.
QUICK SIDE NOTE: Now mental abuse is a funny thing. Talk to me about this before this situation and I probably wouldn’t believe in such a thing. But is it SO REAL….. IT’S CRAZY!!! I think we should talk about it more to raise awareness to others who may be in the same situation I was in, but may not know it.
Mental abuse is just as strong than physical abuse. I was ripped down and torn apart by someone I thought had my best interests and I didn’t realize it because I had fun with that person.
Mental abuse can happen in many ways… Mine happened through manipulation, fear, and a negative person.
Mental abuse changed me into a different version of myself. I wasn’t happy anymore, I seeked out other ways to fill the void of happiness (which were harmful to my body), I couldn’t gain an appetite, people just could tell I wasn’t, “Happy Spontaneous Whitney” anymore. The light so to say, was taken from me.
I wrote down this list and then went home with the intention to write my story. I then got insecure, started rabbit hole thinking about what others would think or say about me and didn’t write the post.
I kept blogging and couldn’t get this stupid thought out of my head to share my story. I told my Fiancé and he said he thought it would be the most beneficial for me to at least get my story on paper and out of my system.
It wasn’t until I heard “Munchin with Moguls” podcast with @weslie_, that I finally gained the courage to get vulnerable. And that I needed to post my story. Weslie talks about one of her hardest trials she been through while being a mom, wife, and so on. She talks about the depression and anxiety she felt and hearing all this I finally found some sort of relief. I could relate to someone! Someone could relate to me even though we have gone through two totally different things.
Weslie talks about the Magic of Vulnerability and created this vulnerability challenge for herself and others.
VULNERABILITY CHALLENGE: Get any emotion that has created a barrier out. We tend to isolate ourselves when something bad happens, and we shouldn’t. We delete our social media and fall of the earth for a bit. But why? We should be embracing and sharing all our vulnerable times. That way we will be able to relate with one another and help each other grow/learn.
If hearing this, not only a week after I thought about sharing my story wasn’t a sign telling me that I NEEDED to share it, I don’t know what is.
Maybe the purpose of sharing this is not to give myself relief, but to help someone else going through something similar… Regardless I’m letting all my walls down and I’m sharing my story.
How it happened..
I had been friends with someone I thought was a good friend to me for about 3 years or so. We had lots of fun together but it was a toxic relationship.
I have always been one to uplift and talk good about others because I have been talked bad about in my life. This person loved to talk behind others back or insult strangers with an under-breath comment simply because this person was not confident themselves, I believe. Though I participated by listening and laughing and thinking nothing wrong of it at the time.
It wasn’t until a year into this friendship where I felt like I needed to find some new friends. This didn’t happen because I then got several rude manipulative texts tearing me apart saying, how bad of a person I was if I weren’t this certain person’s friend anymore. I tried to ignore them, but I care what people say and think and I was very vulnerable at this time with no other close friends to turn to.
I continued to be this person’s friend because I really thought I would be a bad person if I stopped. I was in a low dark place at that time.
Others could see a change in me and when I couldn’t at the time, as the next year came about, I saw total change in who I used to be compared to who I was now.
I always believed I could help others and always would find others that have been hurt and want to be their friend to help raise them up. I don’t know what it is, but it’s just a trait in me where I like to help others I feel are struggling. What I wasn’t careful of though, was how those people were effecting me. *BE CAREFUL WHO SURROUND YOURSELF WITH IS A REAL MANTRA, LIVE BY THIS*
Anyways I receive many modeling offers where people will ask if I know of any other models who would want to work with me for them. So, I ALWAYS refer my friends that like to model!
About two years ago, this friend and I got a job offer to travel to an expo center in Vegas and sell for this eyewear company. We were so stoked and I was able to bring my boyfriend (now fiancé) which was even better!
We were to spend just about two weeks there, if I can remember right. It came to the end of the first week, and you could tell we were getting on each other’s nerves. I can’t handle pessimistic people who whine and complain all the time. And this was something in this person’s everyday routine. Crazy I remained friends with them for soo long right?! I know, but people do crazy things for stupid reasons they’ve justified in their mind all the time.
I also am one to speak my mind when I do or don’t like something. I’m not the type to beat around the bush, and I’ve respected that about myself for a long time. That can be seem as threat to others, I realize this now.
This person, did not like to be told when they were wrong or have an idea conflict with theirs. They liked everything their way, on their time and if they didn’t get it, they would manipulate or hurt others until they reach their satisfaction of control. It’s weird and twisted, but believe me you only understand it once you’ve been apart or a victim to it.
– It took me talking to many many people to figure out I had been mentally abused and manipulated before anything even physical even happened. –
So, one night we went out, after work hours were over. We were trying to decide where to eat and this person had already started drinking alcoholic beverages. So, with no food in your stomach, while someone is getting more pissed off while drinking, of course an argument is bound to happen.
It was just an average argument though. Nothing too crazy, no screaming like you see in the movies. Just bickering back and forth and then finally ending with us all splitting up to cool down, while we decided to eat at our own spots.
I walked back to the hotel, got food in the food court, went back to our hotel room, (We stayed in the same room with two queen beds) got in my pjs and got into bed.
About an hour and a half later, (this person) comes stumbling in so very drunk they don’t make it to the bed and they fall on the floor beside it. It was weird because it seemed like this person was half asleep half awake. They would wake up scream something or kick the wall behind them, fall back asleep, and then do it all over again a couple minutes later.
It started to scare me. I hadn’t said anything to this person since the argument outside, so I finally said, “are you ok?” I went over and tried to wake this person saying, “do you want to get in your bed, you’re on the floor?” The person just smacked away my hand so I stood up being offended and went to the bathroom.
That’s when it all went haywire...
I walked out of the bathroom and before I got to my bed this person had jumped up behind me, pushed me down and screamed “BITCH!”
The look in this person’s eyes was soulless. It didn’t look like this person at all and my mind started racing thinking this person has been drugged or something.
My first reaction was to scream at this person saying, “What’re you doing?” This only provoked the person more. This person than came onto me, and punched me in the face.
I pushed this person back. Crying now. This person doesn’t want to stop for some reason and comes at me again punching, rips my shirt, and grabs my hair. I continue to try to push this person away, finally causing them to let go of my hair, clothes and stop for a sec.
This person instantly came rushing back and grabbed me digging their nails in my arms. I managed to wrestle the person to the ground and I got on top of them trying to pin their arms down with my knees. But let me tell you something, I am barely a 110-pound girl who does not have any fighting knowledge/background whatsoever. Safe to say I’m like a teddy bear getting thrown around when it comes to wrestling and so on. So, I had no advantage over this person whatsoever. I finally sorta pinned this person arms down, I grabbed their face, and said, “STOP! STOP! STOP! Can’t you see what you’re doing?! YOU’RE BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF ME! WHATS WRONG? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!”
I didn’t want to fight back.. I didn’t want to hurt my friend! Balling my eyes out I’m screaming, “PLEASE STOP.” The person then knees me in the back so hard I lose my breath, she grabbed a chunk of my hair and pulled me down off her.
She then runs at me again.
I kick her back giving us a couple feet of space and giving me enough time to look for the phone. I turned and looked at the table in between our beds and don’t see the phone. It had fallen behind the desk during the commotion.
Before I can reach for the phone, I get punched in the side/back of my head. I blacked out for second cause the next thing I knew I was in the fetal position on the ground covering my head.
I knew, at this moment, she was not going to stop.
There was nothing I could say or do to make her stop.
I sat there in the fetal position while she beat the back of my head repeatedly. I tried screaming HELP HELP HELP! Then thinking to myself maybe if I stop doing anything, she will stop. ……. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
If someone is fighting you, do not stop fighting!!!! This is a lesson I will forever remember.
She didn’t stop, the beating kept happening. It had felt like 15 minutes of just giving up. Being hopeless was the worst feeling I’ve ever felt.
Since I was not fighting back, it pissed this person off more…
This person leans over and starts screaming swear words into my ear. While pulling a chunk of my hair to rip my head back, she bites my face on the cheek, as hard as she can. Blood streaming from my cheek and arms and head, I finally fought back and grabbed this persons’ hair, finally defending myself full force pushing this person off me.
I’ve never felt like I had experience hell on earth until this point in my life. The amount of despair, hopelessness, and how scared I felt, traumatized me for months, and even still.
I guess someone had heard my screams in the rooms next door and called the hotel security, because all the sudden I heard knocks at the door. Me thinking it was Tanner, rushed over to the door, balling and swung it open. (let me remind you I’m in my pjs, that means big shirt and undies) I see it’s not Tanner but several officers. They ask if I’m ok, (they can obviously see something bad had happened) and I start sobbing even more relieved someone finally could stop this. Embarrassed though of what had happened.
That’s when (the person) comes running up screaming (no words just screaming) and one last time, punches me in the side of the face and in front of the security and police officers.
They immediately rushed in and grabbed her. Putting her arms behind her back and her hands in handcuffs. A woman and man ask me if I can put on some clothes (hah) and come with them for my testimony. Embarrassed, crying, and scared I put on some sweats a new shirt and walk downstairs with them. I hadn’t even looked in the mirror yet… I had no clue what had fully happened to me at this point.
They walked her away so I didn’t have to see her but I could hear her screaming down the hall, sometimes words, most the time just screaming ahhhhhhhhh.. It was really really scary and I thought she had been drugged for sure.
The security brought us into separate rooms. The person I can hear is still screaming and more security is rushed in to contain her.
I’m naturally a forgiving person so when it came time to talk about pressing charges I told them I didn’t want to.. I mean I had been friends with this person for a couple years I couldn’t just send them to jail. And that’s what’s messed up about getting abused; you don’t see the pain or problem clearly. You get messed up psychologically really.
I already was going through in my head thinking what did I do or say to upset her that much? How come she wouldn’t stop? Why would she do that? Why didn’t she stop?! These questions filled my head and I came to the conclusion that I had deserved this somehow. Whether I knew why or not.
I told them no I’m not pressing charges. They encouraged me to press charges and had several different police officers’ male and female try to change my mind. But I was set. I couldn’t live with myself if I knew I determined whether a person spent years in jail or not. I just couldn’t make that decision…
I was also already so embarrassed. I didn’t know what people would think of a girl who gets beat up by her best friend. And I just wanted it to go away and pretend like it didn’t even happen. That is where I went wrong. And why I’m sharing this with you now.
The cops, not being able to persuade me, then tell me that she will be spending a couple nights in jail regardless, because they personally saw her hit me and that’s Domestic Violence which is against the law.
I spent 6 hours in an office in Las Vegas icing my body and face until I saw what had actually happened. Her bite mark left holes in my cheek from each tooth, I had two black eyes and was bleeding from my head, cheek, arms, and back from all the scratches. I had bruises everywhere. They covered my body. My face swollen on one side. It looked like I was beat and left for good. (kinda swollen like the gooney’s face hah, I get funny with things are awkward, bear with me).
NOTE: (I’m not sharing all the photo’s, for I’m not comfortable and some are too hard for me to look at right now, let alone share. But theres more towards the bottom) I’m sorry.
I had been so badly beaten up the insisted having my rushed to the hospital in an ambulance… Me being strong headed and knowing how much those rides cost, lol, declined the offer. Since they can’t physically force me to get in the ambulance they still brought in paramedics because they said I had looked so bad and were worried about a concussion or the diseases the bite could give me.
SIDE NOTE: Human bites are like I think ten times dirtier than a dogs’ mouth or even toilet. CRAZY GROSS FACT I KNOW!! When I got home from Vegas I was issued several antibiotics for my face, body, I had to get blood drawn and was also given several infection defense shots of some sort. –
This person got taken to jail for a couple nights so I could travel home safely. When your out of state and something illegal or crazy like this happens to you, the rules become a little different.
I finished speaking with the cops, paramedics, hotel security and owner and was escorted back to my room.
I found tanner there and explained everything that happened. We packed up all our stuff that morning, I called the man who hired us and explained what had happened.
Then took the shittiest drive of my life back home.
These photos were takin after I got St. George and the closest family friend took care of me. Scrubbing the bite wound with hydrogen peroxide so no infection started, before my grandparents drove all the way out there to get me home and to a hospital. I couldn’t thank this family enough…
After I had visit the hospital to get all my blood work, shots-shots-antibiotcs and x-rays. I also got a rockin bandaid on my face fore a couple weeks. It was the new fashion statement ;).
Im not going to go into details because that ride home is where my mind just raced and destroyed all confidence I had. This situation gave me social anxiety and I stayed indoors for what seemed like 2 months. It’s so embarrassing. Even though I don’t deserve what happened, I’m coming to terms with that finally. But it effects you so much mentally I don’t even know how to explain. I’m worried any little word I say could piss someone off… or just being in the wrong moment at the wrong time with wrong people gives me fear. You never know. It happened between a best friend for so long and me. It just can happen to anyone. I would never ever wish this in a million years to anyone.
This wasn’t the first instant of abuse.. There was small multiple signs where this person would throw things at me just in the spur of a moment, or even body check me into a counter at the gas station. I brushed these off like nothing and that’s something I regret, and could have saved me a lot of pain and heartache if I would of recognized sooner.. You need to be careful of warning signs.
The mental pain that changed how I think, has been worse than what the physical pain can even compare to. It just takes a major toll on you.. unless you talk about I believe.
I didn’t have the means to access a therapist to be able to talk to about this. I didn’t have any friends close enough (I felt like) I could reach out to. Nor did I want to burden anyone else with my problem, (everyone already has enough going on, is what I was thinking.) Also, I can’t begin to explain the amount of shame/ guilt/ and embarrassment that came about because of this kind of situation. I thought so low of myself I thought I had deserved to get abused.
So I’m sharing this on my blog. This blog is for me and for people who want to get to know me/ learn for me in anyway. From my mistakes, how I recovered, and what I made go right afterwards in my life. Sharing all the highs and lows is what makes us human and we need more of those raw real moments.
Thanks everyone for sticking around and hearing me out. It means more to me than you will know.
xox – whit